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 -END- Desires? Do I Have Those? [tag: anyone]

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Brieanne Devereaux

Brieanne Devereaux


Posts : 570
Join date : 2012-04-08
Age : 29
Location : Hogsmeade

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PostSubject: Re: -END- Desires? Do I Have Those? [tag: anyone]   -END- Desires? Do I Have Those? [tag: anyone] - Page 3 EmptyTue Oct 09, 2012 1:08 pm

"But that's how they are right now, Jim. This.. this idea that people have, that life takes you through trials and obstacles just to make you better when you get through them.. it's pure bullshit. It just makes it worse.. and what about the next obstacle? And the next one? What's the explanation for those?"

She frowned, squeezing Jim's hand, "What is my story, Jim? Do I even have one? Or am I just some tragic little shell? I don't have a reason to be here except to absorb pain. Some days I want to be here, and some days I don't. My little darling needs me, I understand that.. but the abused and pregnant 16 year old girl that I was needed someone too.. and nobody came. I'm trying my best not to succumb to my thoughts, but.. James Hawkins, you've got to understand that I am my past, and my past controls me. That's the sole reason why my father isn't dead yet. I hold onto him with all that I've got because I'm scared of what'll become of me if the only person that knows me backwards and forwards is gone."

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Jim Hawkins

Jim Hawkins


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PostSubject: Re: -END- Desires? Do I Have Those? [tag: anyone]   -END- Desires? Do I Have Those? [tag: anyone] - Page 3 EmptyTue Oct 09, 2012 1:23 pm

"No, don't...you can't think like that," Jim said, shaking his head again. "Something will happen, a miracle, or...something, I don't know, but...you can't give up. You've fought for this long, you just...you need to fight a little longer, okay? Just a little longer, that's all I'm asking." Jim was struggling to keep his voice steady. He couldn't imagine life without Brieanne. She was one of the first friends he had made. She mothered him like his own mom. How could he lose something like that? "You can't...rely on your father like that," he argued. "He's...evil, and heartless, and...he's the reason why all these things have happened to you. He can't...keep a grip on you like this. And if you're afraid to lose him because he's the only one who knows you inside and out, then let us know you. Let us know you that well, no matter how bad it is, so you don't have to depend on him anymore."
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Brieanne Devereaux

Brieanne Devereaux


Posts : 570
Join date : 2012-04-08
Age : 29
Location : Hogsmeade

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PostSubject: Re: -END- Desires? Do I Have Those? [tag: anyone]   -END- Desires? Do I Have Those? [tag: anyone] - Page 3 EmptyTue Oct 09, 2012 2:02 pm

"Miracles," she scoffed, shaking her head. "Miracles don't happen and they don't exist. There's people out there in the world waiting for them to happen.. waiting for that one sliver of hope.. but they never get it, do they? I was one of those people.. I was a little girl, living in the cellar.. wishing for something to happen to get me out.. but it didn't happen."

Her entire body shuddered while her mind went back to flashing images of the dark and dank place she had been forced to live in until she was eleven. "I'm not a problematic person. I don't want or need attention like so many people think I do. I just have a very strong opinion on life and how shitty aspects of it can be.. the aspects that people never see or think about."

She sighed, looking Jim in the eye. He looked so sad, so pitiful.. "He's all I've ever known to be consistent and true, Jim. My soul.. my soul is tied with his. He is my father. You just.. you can't know me like he did. I never will let anyone as close to me as he is.. and that's just a given fact. It won't happen."
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Jim Hawkins

Jim Hawkins


Posts : 1443
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PostSubject: Re: -END- Desires? Do I Have Those? [tag: anyone]   -END- Desires? Do I Have Those? [tag: anyone] - Page 3 EmptyWed Oct 10, 2012 2:43 am

"But we're here now," Jim argued. "We might not have been there for you when you were little, but me, Eva, Todd, we're here now. We can still pull you out of there. I know how shitty life is, okay? I know how...there are some mornings when you just...want to stay in bed and never get out again. I know how...when you go to sleep and you wish you never wake up. I've felt that, and if I had given up, then I would never have met you guys. You can't know for sure if your life is going to stay like this for the rest of your life. You have to live through it and find out for yourself." He let out a tense breath. "Why won't you let us get close?" he asked. "If it'll get you away from him, then do it. Let us in so you can push him away. He may be the only person who knows you well, but that doesn't justify what he does to you. That one good thing doesn't overshadow how evil and awful he is."
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Brieanne Devereaux

Brieanne Devereaux


Posts : 570
Join date : 2012-04-08
Age : 29
Location : Hogsmeade

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PostSubject: Re: -END- Desires? Do I Have Those? [tag: anyone]   -END- Desires? Do I Have Those? [tag: anyone] - Page 3 EmptyWed Oct 10, 2012 10:11 am

A stony look crossed over Brieanne's face as Jim spoke, her mind reeling off into a million different directions.

'They don't know you, Brieanne. They don't know you, they don't..'

'They don't know half of what you've been through..'

It took her a while to realize that these were not her thoughts alone; they were her father's as well. He had weaved his ideals into her head, not on purpose or by his voluntary actions, they were just absorbed over time. Her father had just as much control over her as she did.

"You only know the person I let you see," said Brieanne quietly, her eyes glued to the floor. "All the rest of me, you don't need to know. When he dies, that part of me dies with him.. so no one will ever have to carry around the burden of knowing the real me. There is a part of me that enjoys this.. this sick, evil life of mine."

She paused for a moment, letting her sentence sink in. She didn't know it, but her mind was slowly tricking itself. She had been pretending and masquerading to be someone sinister to please her father for so long, she didn't know the real her from the shadow she had been forced to be for so long. "Yeah. It's true.. and there's far more to me that you don't want to know, Jim. Trust me."
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Jim Hawkins

Jim Hawkins


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PostSubject: Re: -END- Desires? Do I Have Those? [tag: anyone]   -END- Desires? Do I Have Those? [tag: anyone] - Page 3 EmptyFri Oct 12, 2012 2:41 am

"I think I can judge whether I'm strong enough to handle this other side of you," Jim argued, not willing to give up yet. "Even if it's bad and awful, it's still you. And you're still my friend. It may take some work, but if we can get rid of that side, then...maybe your dad won't have such a strong grip on you. He feeds your dark side, makes you revert to it whenever he's around. But if there's no dark side of you left, then he won't have any power over you."
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Brieanne Devereaux

Brieanne Devereaux


Posts : 570
Join date : 2012-04-08
Age : 29
Location : Hogsmeade

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PostSubject: Re: -END- Desires? Do I Have Those? [tag: anyone]   -END- Desires? Do I Have Those? [tag: anyone] - Page 3 EmptyWed Oct 17, 2012 11:25 am

Keep it together, Brie. You can do it.

You can.. You've done it for so long.. you..


It wasn't making sense anymore. Suddenly, the world around her didn't mean anything. Nothing was real, nothing was normal.. nothing was everything.

She didn't know what she was doing. It all felt as if she was trapped inside herself, letting some unknown force control her.. and then she realized.

These were the words she never wanted anyone to hear, but they were spilling out. They were letting themselves out. She had no control.. no control whatsoever.

"NO, YOU CAN'T!" she yelled out suddenly, her voice shattering the silence between them as she stood up, "YOU CAN'T HANDLE ME, JAMES. YOU CAN'T! TODD CAN'T, EVAINE CAN'T, EVEN I.. I CAN'T.."

Her tone got harsher as she spoke, all remnants of her sane self gone. This was the revealing of what went on in her mind-- the part of her that she kept bottled up for years. There was a odd look in her eye -- not silly odd, but not quite insane. It was like she was trying to get out a plea for help.. a plea to help her mind reel itself back in.

A sick laugh escaped her lips, the girl turning her back to Jim and sitting on the floor, her arms wrapping around herself. "I'm mentally unstable, James. I'm not sane, okay? This.. I.. I don't know myself. I don't know the person staring back at me when I look in the mirror.. he did this to me.. and I can't.. I can't tell what's real and.."

Brieanne, in a fit of frustration, slammed her fists into the floor, the girl putting her head in her hands and letting out a long, shrill scream.

Brieanne Devereaux had started to crack.

(Long post because of my inactivity.. HAU decided to not work for me for a couple of days, so. c: Unstable!Brie.)
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Jim Hawkins

Jim Hawkins


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PostSubject: Re: -END- Desires? Do I Have Those? [tag: anyone]   -END- Desires? Do I Have Those? [tag: anyone] - Page 3 EmptyThu Oct 18, 2012 2:21 am

Jim jumped, startled at her sudden yelling. He took half a step back. Had he pushed Brieanne too far? Had he pressed too many of her buttons? He swallowed nervously as she laughed. Was this even Brieanne anymore? He wasn't sure. Maybe this was the side she always hid from others, the side that she never wanted anyone to see, not even her closest friends. Jim had suffered a lot, but he had never been pushed this far before. This was another realm altogether. He tried to think of something to say, something to try and put her at ease, but then she started screaming, a shrill sound that seemed to echo hauntingly throughout the room. Jim felt himself wanting to run, get help, do something. But his feet remained firmly planted on the ground. This was his chance, to prove to Brieanne that he could handle this side of her, even if she doubted him. Despite her continued screaming, he went over to her and took her hand. He didn't say anything, just held her hand and hoped that was enough to convey what he wanted to say.
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Brieanne Devereaux

Brieanne Devereaux


Posts : 570
Join date : 2012-04-08
Age : 29
Location : Hogsmeade

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PostSubject: Re: -END- Desires? Do I Have Those? [tag: anyone]   -END- Desires? Do I Have Those? [tag: anyone] - Page 3 EmptyThu Oct 18, 2012 1:22 pm

Brieanne's screaming dissolved into a fit of tears after Jim's hand merely touched hers. She crumpled even further into the ball, her tears dripping from her chin onto her legs. She felt so confused.. or was it confusion she was feeling at all? There were so many things she wanted to say, so many things left unsaid..

"Don't," she sharply demanded, "Don't, don't, don't.. I need help, but I don't want it.." she said to the ground, her eyes stinging from the irritation. "Did you hear me, James? Did you? I need help, but I don't want it.."

She lifted her head up, her hair framing her face. It was an eerie sight, seeing her tearstreaked face and no emotion behind it. "Do you know the girl behind the smile, Jim?" she asked in a voice very unlike her own, "Do you REALLY know the girl behind the smile? Looks can be deceiving, I'm sure you know.. very sure.."

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Jim Hawkins

Jim Hawkins


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PostSubject: Re: -END- Desires? Do I Have Those? [tag: anyone]   -END- Desires? Do I Have Those? [tag: anyone] - Page 3 EmptyFri Oct 19, 2012 2:30 am

"If you need help, then I'm giving it to you, whether you want it or not," Jim argued, keeping hold of Brieanne's hand. "I can't put all my energy in helping your daughter when you need help too. I can't just ignore your pain. That's not what friends do." He swallowed at seeing the look on her face, her eyes that had almost no light left in them at all. "No, I don't," he replied. "But I want to, and I don't care how bad she is. Like I said before Brie, you may have some awful parts that make up you, but it's still you, and you're still my friend. And friends don't abandon each other."
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Brieanne Devereaux

Brieanne Devereaux


Posts : 570
Join date : 2012-04-08
Age : 29
Location : Hogsmeade

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PostSubject: Re: -END- Desires? Do I Have Those? [tag: anyone]   -END- Desires? Do I Have Those? [tag: anyone] - Page 3 EmptyThu Oct 25, 2012 1:26 pm

"No," said Brie again, in a tone that was both defiant and unsure, "No. No, no." She tugged at her own hand, not even being able to release Jim's. She was weak.. really, really weak. At least, in her mind she was.. and her mind was on a crash course to Hell. "My daughter is more important than me.. I'm not shit compared to her. If I was selfish, I would've took every measure possible to get rid of her, but NO. So, don't you DARE," here, she pointed a finger on her free hand at him, "Tell me that you can't put all your energy in helping her."

She tugged at her hand even harder, tears coming to her eyes as her mind took another wild turn, "Jimmy, no, leave me alone, leave me ALONE! You DON'T NEED TO SEE THE REAL ME, NO!" She snatched her hand away from his, putting her hands over her ears in an act of desperation. "I've already scared the lot of you by even.. telling you what I go through and who I've become. No more suffering, for anybody.. no more."
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Jim Hawkins

Jim Hawkins


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PostSubject: Re: -END- Desires? Do I Have Those? [tag: anyone]   -END- Desires? Do I Have Those? [tag: anyone] - Page 3 EmptyThu Oct 25, 2012 1:35 pm

Jim knew he was treading treacherous waters here, that anything he said might make Brieanne go into a complete mental breakdown. Or worse, end their friendship completely. But he refused to let his words just be thrown by the wayside. Brieanne was going to hear them, and one way or another, he was going to make them stick. "You're both important, you and your daughter" he insisted. "None of you is more valuable than the other. And unless there's some life-threatening situation that involves me choosing one of you or the other, I'm going to work on saving both of you. We haven't reached that point, Brie. Not yet." She might think that she had hit rock bottom, but Jim was still hopeful that he and Todd and Eva could pull her out of this dark pit she was in before she sunk completely. "I've felt the same Brie, believe me," he argued. "I know that apprehension. How do you think I feel when I have to tell someone about the werewolf part of me, how I just...lose control completely and attack anyone who happens to be near me, even if they're my best friend? It's hurt, it's hurt a lot, but it's helped people help me because they understand me better. They know what I'm going through."
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Brieanne Devereaux

Brieanne Devereaux


Posts : 570
Join date : 2012-04-08
Age : 29
Location : Hogsmeade

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PostSubject: Re: -END- Desires? Do I Have Those? [tag: anyone]   -END- Desires? Do I Have Those? [tag: anyone] - Page 3 EmptyThu Oct 25, 2012 1:52 pm

"I'm done.. DONE."

The chilling words left Brieanne's lips as soon as Jim finished his first sentence, the look on her face confirming it. Gone was the smile, the sparkle in her eyes, the blushing cheeks.. she really was just a shell. "I'm done, Jim. I'm done fighting. There's no more I can do to help myself.. what am I going to do, really? I'm pregnant again, I love one of my friends, and that's all screwy, and.. on top of that, I can't even talk without my mind turning inside out on itself."

She sniffed, hugging herself, "Nobody will understand me because I'm insane. I've told you this hundreds of times, and you still won't go with it. WHAT PART OF NOT OKAY DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND? DO I NEED TO BREAK DOWN COMPLETELY FOR A LIGHTBULB TO COME ON IN YOUR BRAIN? HM?"

(this thread makes me sad. :c Stop being mean, Brie. D: )
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Jim Hawkins

Jim Hawkins


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PostSubject: Re: -END- Desires? Do I Have Those? [tag: anyone]   -END- Desires? Do I Have Those? [tag: anyone] - Page 3 EmptyThu Oct 25, 2012 2:58 pm

"There's loads you can do," Jim replied vehemently. Why weren't any of his words getting through to Brieanne? Was she really that far gone? Or did he just need to try harder? "You can go on. You can keep going. Do the bad things in your life really outweigh the good things? Look at how far you've come! You have friends, you're determined to protect your daughter, and you've even fallen in love with someone. It may end in heartache, but that just shows that you're human, and not some soulless person. You still have heart in yourself if you can feel those things." He backed away a step when she started yelling. He swallowed nervously, but that mouth of his still kept running. "Brie, everything we've gone through has made us all a little crazy," he replied. "Maybe it's affected you more than others, but it's still in us. If my situation doesn't get to you, just look at Eva's! Her father is dead and her mother and ex-boyfriend have abused her more times than I count. She has down days, just like you, when she hates herself, hates her life, wishes she had never been born. If me going mental because of my werewolf curse doesn't seem like something you can relate to, maybe Eva's life can make you see that you're not the only one." His voice started getting cold on that last sentence and he took a deep breath, trying to stay calm. He couldn't afford to lose his temper when Brieanne was teetering on the edge of insanity with one foot on a banana peel.
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Brieanne Devereaux

Brieanne Devereaux


Posts : 570
Join date : 2012-04-08
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Location : Hogsmeade

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PostSubject: Re: -END- Desires? Do I Have Those? [tag: anyone]   -END- Desires? Do I Have Those? [tag: anyone] - Page 3 EmptyFri Oct 26, 2012 12:06 am

"I've tried enough. I can't put myself in this hopeful state when I've not had enough drive to even get out of bed. It's like you all expect me to be optimistic.. and that's long gone."

She looked at him blankly when he mentioned Evaine, a flood of memories oveertaking her brain. From her beating up Leroy to Evaine and her just discussing things, the memories seemed to make her angry. Not because of Evaine, but because of the fact that she just couldn't bear to see them. "So what are you trying to tell me, Jim?" she asked, raising an eyebrow at his cold tone, "That I'm an attention whore? That I'm self-centered? To tell you the absolute truth, honey, there's always been a part of me that was just that. The selfless, happy Brieanne just overruled it. Now that she's gone.. you're getting ANGRY AT ME FOR THINGS I CAN'T CONTROL? WHAT AM I SUUPPOSED TO DO, HAWKINS? GO TO ST. MUNGO'S AND STAY THERE UNTIL I GET MY OLD SELF BACK? That's what it seems like.. and I will NOT."
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Jim Hawkins

Jim Hawkins


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PostSubject: Re: -END- Desires? Do I Have Those? [tag: anyone]   -END- Desires? Do I Have Those? [tag: anyone] - Page 3 EmptyFri Oct 26, 2012 8:29 am

"Brie, we're not asking you to be happy-go-lucky all the time," Jim replied. "Even I can't do that. We just want you to to...hold on for a bit longer. This...thing with the Death Eaters and stuff, it can't last forever, alright? It's going to end eventually. This...struggle isn't going to go on for the rest of your life." He shook his head. "No, no, that's not what I'm saying," he argued. "The things you've gone through, you have a right to feel sad about them, depressed even. That's normal for people who have gone through horrible things. The important thing is to not let them consume you and take over your life." He sighed, feeling like this conversation was going in circles. "The last thing I want is for you to be locked up, Brie. You know that. But you have to get some kind of help, okay? And it doesn't have to be medical. Just...let your friends help you out a bit."
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Brieanne Devereaux

Brieanne Devereaux


Posts : 570
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PostSubject: Re: -END- Desires? Do I Have Those? [tag: anyone]   -END- Desires? Do I Have Those? [tag: anyone] - Page 3 EmptySun Oct 28, 2012 5:46 pm

"I'm slipping, Jim. It's like holding on to the end of a rope that keeps getting cut off by some invisible knife.. it's impossible to keep holding on to it for forever. I'm trying, I really am.. but it's hard."

Brieanne's composture had gotten better, it seemed like; but, then again, nothing was as it seemed anymore around Hogwarts. "It's already hard enough dealing with the fact that my little Everett is gone, and there's a little girl inside me now. I think about him all the time, I do.. but damn it, Jimmy.. I have a difficult time accepting help. Been on my own for so long..."
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Jim Hawkins

Jim Hawkins


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PostSubject: Re: -END- Desires? Do I Have Those? [tag: anyone]   -END- Desires? Do I Have Those? [tag: anyone] - Page 3 EmptyMon Oct 29, 2012 5:04 am

Jim let out a tense breath through his teeth. It looked like Brieanne had calmed down, for the moment. Jim just considered it lucky that Brieanne hadn't shot a spell at him or something. He had seen her get nasty before, and it wasn't pretty. "I know," he said quietly, putting a hand on her shoulder. "We just...have to take it one day at a time, I suppose." He sighed. "How about we head back to the common room or something? You should probably get some rest." Not to mention, it probably wasn't good to leave Brieanne in front of the mirror by herself. Who knew how long she would torture herself with images of the thing she wanted the most.
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Brieanne Devereaux

Brieanne Devereaux


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PostSubject: Re: -END- Desires? Do I Have Those? [tag: anyone]   -END- Desires? Do I Have Those? [tag: anyone] - Page 3 EmptyMon Oct 29, 2012 8:28 am

Brieanne nodded blankly, taking a moment to get herself upright. She looked over at the mirror, skittering over to it. She looked into it for a moment, reaching out to touch it again. "Knowing I can never look for this to happen in the future.. that's more torture than anything I've ever experienced."

She sighed, walking away from it and back to Jim. "I guess we can go now."

(..BRIE JUST LETMEHUGYOUPLEASE </3 *cries*)
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Jim Hawkins

Jim Hawkins


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PostSubject: Re: -END- Desires? Do I Have Those? [tag: anyone]   -END- Desires? Do I Have Those? [tag: anyone] - Page 3 EmptyMon Oct 29, 2012 8:34 am

Jim bit his lip in worry when Brieanne stole one last look at the mirror. It looked like he would have to keep an eye on her for a little while, make sure she didn't spend too much time in front of it. It seemed to make her sadder than usual, and she didn't need anymore of that. He stayed silent as they made their way out of the room, but he did put an arm around her, just to let her know he was there for her.

END

((Unless you want to add anything else. Very Happy))
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