Drowning in Her Past (tag: anyone)

There was a slender figure out by the lake, her hair being carried by the soft breeze that was blowing. She sat on the banks, her head hanging down, tears dripping down from her chin. "I shouldn't of done it," she hoarsely whispered, taking off her lace glove and wiping her tears. The red surrounding her iris made the green stand out, oddly, but she wasn't paying attention to it.

Shaking off the guilt that she harbored in herself, she stood up again, taking off her cover up and revealing her one-shouldered slick red and white polka dotted swimsuit. Making sure she was ready, she jumped in the lake, letting the water take her wherever it willed. She glided through it, popping up on the other side. "That's it," she told herself, getting out and walking back to where her things were, "It's gone. My paat is gone."

The moon shined on the lake as Viv lit a cigarette, popping it in her mouth and blowing smoke o's in the air, laying back on her chair that she had brought out.

Miranda glided across the lawns in the cool evening air. It seemed she was always outside, wandering wherever her creatures led her. Though she had her own chambers in the castle, she could rarely be found there. Tonight, a couple of mice were leading her to the lake. Her short, blonde hair bounced as she walked, a small smile danced on her lips as she watched the mice darting from side to side.
"And just what do you two think you're up to today?" she laughed.
She twirled freely in the cool breeze. While her grief never truly left her, she knew by now to enjoy whatever happiness that graced her. And nothing made her happier than being outside. The two mice darted forward unexpectedly as they reached the edge of the water. The moonlight lit reflected off of the still waters, lighting the shore. They ran straight to the feet of a student dressed in a cute bathing suit. A puff of smoke drifted into the air. Miranda frowned as she recognized the young woman.
She approached the girl silently. "Miss Darkbloom?" she asked softly. "While I can overlook the fact that you are outside after dark for the sake of being by the calming water, the smoke is most unsightly."

Vivienne's head whipped around as Miss Melgrove addressed her, the still lit cigarette in between her index finger and thumb, "With all due respect, Miss Melgrove.. I'm trying to calm myself down. This cigarette helps.. really. I don't get to pour out my feelings to myself like this often."

She quickly put it out, sighing, "Not like I'm supposed have feelings in the first place.. Well, what are you doing out at this hour, Professor?"

Miranda raised her eyebrows. She had never been one for cigarettes. But she also didn't blame those who relied on them to keep calm. Miranda tucked her legs under her and sat on the ground beside the girl. The mice ran round and round her, finally settling on the ground next to her. She smiled down at them then looked up at Vivienne lounging on the chair.
"Oh you know..." she sighed. "I don't often stay long indoors. Too suffocating in there. I prefer the fresh air. And these two-" she gestured at the tiny mice. "Decided they wanted to come out to the water." She laughed. "And I can't say no to these guys!"
She ruffled their fur with her finger tips and thought about Vivienne's first comment.
"Pouring out emotions is a good thing," she said thoughtfully. "Especially as a teenage girl. Hard week of classes?"

Vivienne shifted in her seat, finally giving in and lighting another cigarette, quickly turning away from them all and blowing out the smoke, "Well, Professor.. I'd rather not stay cooped up in there either. I don't think anybody really wants to feel like they're jailed all the time.." she muttered, looking down at the mice. She didn't particularly like them, but she was going to be nice just for the hell of it. "They're.. charming," she said, looking at the woman oddly as she asked what was troubling her.

Well, Miss Melgrove didn't exactly come out and say it, but Vivienne knew what she was playing at. Could she really confide in her what she had done? No. She couldn't. No one could know. "No.. it's never been the classes. Just.. what's expected of me, is all," she simply said, putting the cigarette back in her mouth, softly blowing out puffs of smoke.

"Oh come now..the castle isn't THAT bad. And the only reason we have you stay indoors at night is because of the creautres that live on the grounds. Not all of them are friendly." Her fingers trailed through the mice's furs. She noticed Vivienne's hesitation with the mice. Well...most people couldn't handle the wide range of animals she could.

"Ah, expectations..." She sighed deeply. "They can become our heaviest burdens if we let them. People in our lives think they're trying to make us better people. "
She looked the girl in the eye. Pain, even a hint of fear, shone in her eyes. Her heart broke for the girl. So many of the students at this school carried such heavy burdens.
"But sometimes we simply need to express who WE want to be," she said softly.

"You think some of us haven't seen worse?" Vivienne said plainly, looking over at the adult, "There's plenty of things we've seen that even adults shouldn't. Not everyone's life is happy and fluffy, but not everyone's is blood and horror either.."

"I know exactly what I want and who I wanna be, Miss Melgrove. I'm just not sure if the people around me are going to fit into my vision.. who I've.. become attracted to," she forced out, rolling her eyes at her emotions. Why the hell did she have to have the damned thing anyway? She wished she could rip out her heart.. without dying, that is.

She looked at the girl thoughtfully. What had this young woman been through? "I have no doubt that many of you have horrors in your pasts that I can't even imagine. But I will always do what I need to in order to keep all of you safe while you are here. And most of my fellow professors will too."

who I've.. become attracted to

Miranda's eyes sparkled at those words. She knew exactly who she was talking about. She and Neige had already had this conversation.
"Ah, the fickleness of a young heart," she said smiling. She debated telling the poor girl that she already knew. "You know..." she said softly, staring innocently over the moonlit water. "I told a dear friend of mine recently that love is something that we need to grab onto with both hands." Her eyes darkened with a restrained sadness as she continued, "You never know what the future brings. Feel every emotion, love fully. and don't let go of those you care about."

"I still think it's futile, whatever you dear professors decide to do.." Vivienne admitted, shrugging.

Vivienne's head snapped back as Miranda said the words 'dear friend of mine'. She knew.. oh, Neige, that little-- "..Oh my God," she exclaimed, her face quickly hardening, "I'm not in love with him. I couldn't be. That's not how I work. I'm ten years younger than he is. I cannot be a stepmom to some.. some child, okay? No. I am too young and too preoccupied. No."

She realized how much she had said and stopped, sliding down in her seat, "...Feelings suck."

Miranda blinked innocently up at her from the grass. "Then how DO you work Miss Darkbloom?" She frowned. "Because Neige certainly felt the two of you shared something."

She pulled her knees up to her chest. "And yes...feelings can suck. But they make us who we are. All we have to do is interpret them. And sometimes...." she paused. "It helps to get a second opinion from someone who's felt those feelings before."

She pulled at her skirt, stretching it to touch the ground, patiently waiting for the Vivienne to relax.

"The only thing we shared that day that we met and kissed and stuff was SPACE." Oh really, Vivienne?

"I don't.. I don't understand this whole love thing. It's so stupid.. you end up getting your heart broken before you actually find it, anyhow.. everybody does. I'm better off without it and I'm pretty sure Neige is trying his absolute hardest to stay away from me, too. I have to be cold towards him now.. I don't want to insert myself into his life."

Viv's eyes had produced a multitude of tears as she was speaking, and she didn't notice until she touched her face. Once she felt the teardrops on her face, she broke down, curling up into a shaking ball, "I made a total mistake staying in that room with him.. I shouldn't even be here anymore. I should've told Daddy to come take me home.."

Miranda quickly rose to her knees, and wrapped an arm around the girl's shoulders. She didn't want to make her uncomfortable, seeing as they didn't know each other super well.
She fought to reign in her own emotions. Of all the crap the Slytherin could have been going through, it had to deal with love. She sighed.
"Love....is a complicated thing. At first, it's like you're just slipping a foot into the water, not quite sure of what you're getting into. You're scared, but there's that tingle of excitement in your chest that stops you from saying no. And then you slip in farther, deeper, lost in the heat of the moment." Her voice drifted off, lost in her own memories of being in love.
She continued more softly, "He picks you up and you find yourself lost in his eyes and his touch."
She stopped abruptly, realizing where her thoughts were going. She ran her arms up and down the girl's thin arms.
"Being cold..." she said slowly. "Doesn't help anything. Sealing off emotions, just makes everything harder. Running away....it doesn't help. And believe me," she forced a laugh. "I know. I did plenty of running...---And I know I don't know you well. But I know one thing. You BELONG at Hogwarts."

"I want to run. Far, far away.. That's really all that would help me right now. Just leaving for a while and not coming back, letting people forget me.."

She growled at how much she was pouring out to this near-stranger, the girl dabbing at her eyes with a napkin, "But that's who I am, what I do.. I'm cold. I shut people off. I shut myself off. I shut off my emotions.. and I don't let anyone in until I fully trust them. It intrigues so many people.. but they just aren't the right ones. The ones I need in my life.."

Vivienne shook her head, "Nobody really understands me.. and I kind of don't want them to."

Miranda sighed and squeezed her arm lightly. "The people in our lives, Vivienne, are what make this crazy life worth living. They are the ones that pull us out of the darkness when we sink too far. But if we run from them, we can only find ourselves lost forever. Running...running is exhausting and maddening."
She bit her lip thoughtfully. Sometimes shutting down, wasn't altogether a bad thing. It can protect us from horrible pain. But it is also so incredibly unhealthy. She snorted. Who was she to talk about opening up? She had closed herself off to the world after her fiance had died.
"Trust..." she said carefully. "Is a hard thing to come by. But it is not obsolete. Shutting yourself off is part of who you are. And I'm not going to tell you to stop doing that altogether. That would change you entirely. And I doubt your friends truly want that."
"Tell me, what kind of people do you truly WANT in your life?"

'But I want to succumb to the darkness.. anything to let me have the power that I deserve.. just not to HIS darkness..' she thought, sighinf as she wrapped her towel around herself. She scoffed as Miss Melgrove asked her another question. Damn, Viv let go of a lot. "Just forget I ever said that stuff, Professor.. just let it go. I honestly don't need for anyone to know my business. The people I want in my life should be like me. Ambitious, power seeking.. and I'm not gonna find that here. Well, I found it in my ONE friend.. and that's it."

She inhaled again and held the smoke it, letting wisps of it flow out of her lips.

Miranda sighed. "I hate to tell you this, Miss Darkbloom, but I'm quite horrible at letting go." She reached up and wiped a stray tear from the young girl's face. "You shouldn't have to carry your burdens alone." she grinned wryly. "And there are more ambitious and power seeking people here than you realize. But tread lightly. While in of themselves they are not terrible traits to desire and admire, they CAN be dangerous. But, of course....I'm sure you will have no problem with that..." She locked her eyes with Vivienne's, with an intensity rarely seen in the quiet professor's face.

"I was born alone, I walk alone," Vivienne said simply, shrugging her shoulders. She raised an eyebrow at Miss Melgrove's eyes locking with her own. What was she trying to get across? "Ah, the stereotype.. quite. I won't have any issues with it at all. I, unlike most people around here, like danger. I invite it. Is that uncommon for you to hear, Miss Melgrove?"

"People are...different...I suppose." Miranda conceded slowly. "I will admit it is uncommon for myself," She smiled a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes. "But let's just say I'm not the innocent, airhead professor everyone thinks I am. Know where to draw your lines miss Darkbloom. Darkness, fear....grief," she added quietly. "It can twist you in ways you never imagined." She pulled her arm away from the girl. The conversation was taking a dangerous turn. She was entering a corner of herself she never exposed. EVER. not until the day she would find the murderer. She rose, saying, "You might not trust me, Miss Darkbloom. But like I said, I'm horrible at letting go. If you ever find yourself in a tight spot, or just need an ear, you know where to find me."

"Oh, trust me.. I know more about people around here than they think I do. I knew you weren't all innocent and happy and smiles all the time. Nobody ever is. We all have secrets to hide and things in our past we don't want known.." Viv said, shaking her head. She nodded as Miss Melgrove spoke again, "Um.. one more thing. Promise you won't tell anyone you saw me out here.. or saw me cry. I have a rep to uphold, okay?"

She was genuinely shocked. She had thought she had hidden her grief well enough. But oh well...
Miranda smiled warmly down at the girl. "Of course not. I would never mess with anyone's...rep."
With a wave, she swept back across the grounds toward the forest, her two mice running behind her.